An address to my Team Fortress 2 Robots

Hi guys, it's Sniper.

Glad you could all make it. I just wanted to talk to you about how well you're doing in keeping the whole Red/Blue thing going.

Heavy, what a guy. No-one just stands there and absorbs bullets, while firing in a really aimless and haphazard fashion like you do. Good to have you here. Yeah, you love your gun. That's... cool.

Scout, what would be without you, hey? Oh, another cup of coffee? What is that today, seven? Oh, _nine_. I was wondering why we only gave you a double-barrelled shotgun but I kind of get it now. No, no-one's behind you, just sit down. Ok? Ok.

Doc, you crazy guy. Yeah, yeah, we're all dumbkopfs... you know that we know what that means? Yeah? Look, I'm pretty sure that they're called Dackels in German, not SchiesserHunds. And we know what that word means, too. But we wouldn't be a team without your random allocation of healing and UberCharge to unimportant members of the team who are stuck in a loop facing the wall. Oh, and for the record, we can see when you're on fire.

Spy, you... is spy here? Ok, I'll come back to Spy.

Now, Pyro, can you take the mask off, I can't hear a word that you're... oh. When you were younger, hey? How many operations? Yeah, you put that mask back on. Sorry about that. You just keep setting things on fire, attaboy.

Demoman, you... weird... badly-accented... Scots... thing... I've got to say that I'm impressed by your ability to randomly lob grenades around but, given that you have that other gun that can plant what are, effectively, command-detonated mines, have you ever thought about putting them up on, say, the approaches to our sentry guns, or behind the sniper? Kabooom! Yeah, that doesn't get old. You know someone has put a sticky note on your... you didn't? Man, does that explain a lot.

Now, Soldier... ok, ok, at ease. Love what you're doing but could you aim a little more at the feet? Also, any time that you end up facing a wall and running in one place? Might be time to rethink the action. None of these walls are going anywhere.

Hey, everyone, could you give me a moment with the engineer? Thanks.

Now, I didn't want to make a big deal in front of the others but, frankly, it's just not working out. You've got three things to do: sentry guns, dispensers and teleport conduits. What gets me is that every time we run into the opposition, they have sensibly placed dispensers, concealed sentries and operational teleporters. Whether we're attacking or defending, chances are, we have none of these. Look, here's a mud map on the ground. If the enemy have fields of fire here and we have concealed locations here, where should we put a sentry gun?

Ahuh. Right in the overlap of two fields of enemy fire. No, I'm sorry, you can't build it fast enough and, while I know that it makes you feel good, running into interlocking arcs of fire and yelling 'Building a sentry' is really not that sensible.

I don't want to make a comparison here but have you seen what the other team's engineer does? Yes, I know he's your brother. Younger, really? Ouch. Well, sorry, but that's not my problem. My problem is your insistence on things like putting the teleporter into a pit so that we have to run past all of the enemy up a narrow staircase to get to any real fire positions. Or, better yet, putting the teleporter into a position that prevents any of us from getting OFF the teleporter.

What was that? It's simple: your toys, your problem. What kind of an engineer are you?

Ok, bottom line. I have now had to step up for you on the last three missions and, when I did, what happened? Yes, that's right. Wins for Blue and we held defensive positions with a loss of at most one point. You know what really pisses me off, though? I didn't even see you during...

Hang on. I didn't see you. Where were you during that... hey, put that knife down.

SPY!!! SP *STAB*