The 5 Men You See in Singapore Bars While Travelling.

I have the opportunity to travel a lot for work and, whether it is teaching in Singapore or passing through Singapore to get to Europe, I often end up grabbing a meal in Singapore. For quick meals, when you're travelling for work, it's hard to go past bars and pubs. They're designed to serve easy food quickly, with a beer. From being a frequent work traveller, and from sitting in bars a bit, I've formed a simple grouping of the other men I see. While this is very Singapore-centric, it seems to map reasonably to most other places I've been. There will, of course, always be variations and exceptions. All the people I'm talking about are tourists and travellers - locals do local things, because they can head home, or catch up with friends, they're not isolated. So, Singapore locals, I do not mean you!

Let's start with...

1. Frequent Travellers Who Miss Home (Attached Men Who Are On The Road)

These guys are easy to recognise. They move in small groups, often by themselves, come in, grab a beer or two, eat a quiet meal but it's really obvious that they'd rather be at home. They've decided to get away from the office, or the ur-office that is the hotel room, and they're over room service and the in-hotel restaurant, so they've gone out to grab food.

They don't, however, really want to be at a table-of-one in a tourist location (travelling, remember?) because they're used to being part of a group of 2+, so they'll often skip restaurants because otherwise they'll be surrounded by people doing all of the things that they'd rather be doing.

They don't look at other people appraisingly or with obvious sexual interest. They're not noisy. They're generally not there to get drunk. If you do end up chatting to one, you'll end up talking about your own family, your wife, kids, home, what everyone else is doing. (Yes, I'm one of these, too.)

Look for them on bar stools, or on very small tables, sometimes out of the way. If there's a TV, they'll be in eyesight of it, no matter what is on it. They've travelled enough that there's little to no excitement in being in a new hotel in a new city, or they know that they have 7 flights until they're home, which is hard to get excited about. They'll be well-organised, have well-used and useful travel goods and will most likely order quickly and efficiently. The burgers in Singapore are close enough to the burgers in Hong Kong are close enough to the burgers in San Francisco that all they're doing is checking quantity, sides and price. Often, this won't be their first visit to this bar. If you regularly traverse a city, you get your favourites.

(I can sit down in a certain bar in Singapore and, although I only go there 2-3 times a year, the guys behind the bar don't change much so I normally get asked 'Cowboy burger?' if one of them sees me on a Friday night after 10:30pm.)

What sort of bar are you in if you see a lot of these? Firstly, it's just a bar that serves food. It's not going to have a side of ladies in cages, or skimpy top bartenders. This group don't want that stuff OR they don't want to have to explain that they want that stuff, so they go to a quieter, down the line place. The good news is that a bar with a number of these people in it is probably a good bar. The bad news is that, if you're looking for the latest and newest thing, the bar you're in isn't it.

If they were brand new to this whole travel thing then they'd be...

2. First-time, or very early, Travellers

Very, very easy to spot. Bouncy. Wide eyed. They generally don't change before going out or they wear clothing that's not quite right for where they are. They stand out a lot in the tropics when they wear ill-fitting or cheap business clothes. Humidity and heat are not your friend when your collar is itching or your neck swells. Thin shirts look crap everywhere but, in Singapore, you may as well wear cling film. Having said that, they don't care - TRAVEL, BABY. I've seen a lot of slowly expiring German executives in transit through Singapore who are still pumped to have come so far.

Often seen with a more senior, experienced associate who is probably in category 1 but feels obliged to help out or wants the company. (Yes, or is just nice, ok.) Everything is new, every meal is a banquet, every flight an aerobatic feast! They're more likely to drink too much because they haven't realised that, on business travel, (a) you're never off duty and (b) the next day almost always holds more work or more flying - and neither work well with hangovers.

Their big advantages (such as they are) are often youth and freedom - they have little to miss at home and everything to discover. Getting to do it ON THE WORK TAB is just another little bonus.

These guys are everywhere. Where they end up depends on who they're with. A seasoned traveller will take a newbie to the bar that best epitomises the lifestyle that they're living - with minor modifications if they're unsure of how 'game' the newbie is. (A sleazy bastard might 'gateway drug' a newbie with Hooters before heading to somewhere harder. A travelling attached man will just go to his usual bar.)

Once you have a stable home life, or you've circled the globe more than a couple of times, you'll most likely move on to another stage fairly soon. Let's hope that it's not...

3. Sleazy Bastards

Argh. Grit your teeth, guys, we're going to start discussing the men who make men look bad. If you've read ahead, you may have seen the title 'Predators and Lad Packs' for the next section. Hang on, you're thinking, what separates a Sleazy Bastard from a Predator?

Have you ever been swooped by a magpie, or any other bird? Did it kill you or seriously hurt you? No?

Have you ever been attacked by a shark? Which of your remaining limbs are you using to type?

Sleazy Bastards are the swooping birds of the bar world. They're all noise, fury and intention, but very little actual possibility of killing anyone. These are the guys who are married but take their wedding rings off, deliberately, before going out, or sometimes just before talking to someone in a bar. These are the guys who leer into a bartender's cleavage and then overtip as if this is going to magically turn into blowjobs. They may even be single guys but they just have no idea how to interact with people in this situation and adding drink on top of inept on top of creepy just adds a 'shitweasel' vibe to the air.

For me, the worst of these are men who THINK that they are straight-up family guys who are loyal and monogamous but it's the DRINK that is making them sleazy. And then they keep drinking. I call this 'putting yourself in danger'. If you have a propensity for hitting on women when drunk, and you don't want to hit on women, don't drink. I'm not imposing my moral standards on you - I'm suggesting you apply yours to you. :)

I don't give a flaming rat's ass (Note: stunt rat used) who you do or don't sleep with, but I do care about people making up bullshit rationalisations that increases human misery. Fortunately, the bars I generally go to, these guys sweep in, swagger a bit, discover that the bar is mostly full of serious travellers who do not (surprisingly) want to attend a herpes swap meet in the disabled bathroom and then they leave.

Now I only have to see these guys from the observation deck - they don't hit on me, thank God - but they're pretty obviously at least a nuisance and, much as swooping birds can ruin your run or walk, these assholes make bars less fun to be in. They have little-to-no chance of getting anyone into bed, they make unpleasant comments if women shoot them down and they drink too much. Go to any bar with scantily clad serving staff or impossibly enboobulated bar staff and you could swing a stick and hit 6 of these guys.

The astute reader will note that this probably means that Uncle Nick has been in less salubrious bars to observe some of these things. The things I do for Science... However, more seriously, of course I have because I regularly check out new and interesting places as a way of keeping busy and in case I'd like to go back there with K. Once I've worked out that I'm in the wrong bar, I finish my drink and leave. (I can list at least two places in Singapore that initially seemed fun but then went south quickly. I've never been back because I find it depressing.)

What's one of the obvious signs I'm in the wrong bar?

4. Predators and Lad Packs

Annual. Football. Trip. If those three words don't make you either wince or shake your head, you're lucky. Big packs of young, fit, unattached men, all riled up on testosterone or endorphins (or booze or crack or speed depending on country) travelling as a pack.

Remember the shark I mentioned earlier? Some people cruise bars looking for other people, who are also cruising bars, to start penpal relationships with - topic: sex. Some people are _really_ good at this and have a great deal of a certain type of appeal. If it's all consensual and everyone respects everyone else? Hooray, go for it, have fun.

The problems arise whenever guys start acting like assholes. The Sleazy Bastard is generally on the wrong side of 35, pudging up, balding and is a pain but not that much of a threat. He can still ruin your evening, and I wish he'd stay in his room, hire a XXX movie and eat room service, but he's so not good  that he's easily dismissed.

I've watched the predators in action and they are pretty fucking creepy. (Says the man who is watching other men in bars...) Bar cruisers survey the area and move purposefully. They don't invest too much time and, if it's obviously going nowhere, they move along. They are also a pain in the arse because almost all of them are nowhere near as smooth as they think they are - but they have enough success that they keep trying. When I see one scanning the bar, it makes me cringe. Sorry, women who wanted a quite drink by themselves - Mr Hands Up Your Shirt has just entered the room.

Yes, some people are after bar pickups. I'm assuming that there's some simple bar labelling system that I'm missing. Fortunately, my regular haunts are about as sexy as knickerbockers on a mermaid so I don't see this very often.

Not all predators are after sex, but they generally move with a great deal of efficiency. I was sitting at a bar one time and a guy had been chatting up a single girl two stools down from me for about 30 minutes. They had a couple of drinks, that he ordered. She headed to the bathroom and his phone rang while she was gone.

He took it, listened, said something, looked at his watch and hung up. Then he left. Without paying for the drinks. Let's assume that she had offered to buy the drinks. Her confusion on returning from the bathroom, and her apparent anger at having to pay for the drinks does not quite support that, however.

Lad packs are predators, or predator wanna-bes, raised to the n-th power. Drunk, drinking more, no great problem with vomiting (which they do, copiously, in the bathrooms or outside), egging each other on, everyone of them thinks he's the genetic powerset of Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Casanova and any woman who rejects them is ... well, you know. They're assholes, basically. Their night is rarely about having a good time as we understand it, it's about screaming inside a cathedral - big space, big noise. If you get in their way, watch out. (Some sports teams aren't like this but, really, get 10-12 guys together with alcohol and their cumulative IQ drops to about 10. Make it 24, put them out of town, away from partners, high on winning, exotic location, tons of alcohol... yeah.)

If your bar sells good beer, or has beer discounts, or (worse) has towers of beer that hold multiple litres then you may run across this. Fortunately, they tend to drink to a point and then head off to boob-bars, brothels or bed (Rugby teams may substitute a B should they wish to do so).

If the bar you're in fills up with these groups (predators or lad packs) after 10:30pm, you may be in the wrong bar. Sadly, something you'll find in every bar are...

5. Alcoholics

The saddest tourists or business travellers are the functional alcoholics. They usually have to be functional or they probably wouldn't be here. (Non-local, remember?) They may start out with some protective camouflage, a group or a newby to escort, but they'll be drinking faster, earlier and longer than anyone else. They'll be pacing, nervously waiting for everyone to arrive or to make up their mind so they can order.

When everyone else leaves, they may leave with them and, a few minutes later, stroll back into the bar (via the toilets) and, once they've checked that no-one else is there, order a couple more drinks. Mini-bars get checked - you can only refill with water once per trip. Lifts are hard to smuggle bottles up in, unless you're carrying a very big bag and, if you are, why didn't you leave it in your hotel room? Drinks are almost always paid for in cash to avoid bar bills on the cards, private or personal. I've seen people pick up other people's food receipts to cover their bar tabs.

Sometimes I've talked to guys, thinking that they were just missing their families, and then I discover that I'm giving someone a reason to stay at the bar. Because, you know, they're just talking to their new friend. A drink? Why not! Maybe a vodka and tonic, thanks. Or a whisky. Hell, let's do shots. They do a great martini.

I'm very lucky I've never been there - I don't have a problem with the booze - but sometimes it's time to get up and make your excuses. You don't want to be a prop to someone else's problem.

So, until next time, don't you go changing, dear Reader. Unless you're in groups 3, 4 or 5, in which case, lift your game, you asshole.